do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
