we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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