If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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