My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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