Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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