my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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