what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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