Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
