I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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