Even water is tasting like jack daniels
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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