i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
