Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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