Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
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