I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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