Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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