do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
