Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
