We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
