Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
