in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
