I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
