no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
