see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm sobbing to NWA
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
