Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
