Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I want to fling myself into the sun
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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