my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
