so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
