I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
