last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
