I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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