I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
