Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
