So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
