i wish my penis had a tongue
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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