Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
