the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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