there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
