Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Randomize
