so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
