I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
