you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
