White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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