On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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