i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
