i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
