he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
