I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We had to coat check the pizza.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
false alarm, still single
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