My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she woke up with a sticky ear
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
