Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
