New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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