my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
