The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
